The Biblical Spectacle of Clean Clothes

It is wondrous and reassuring to know that the citizens of Biblical times were able to wear beautifully washed and pressed clothing.

Easter Weekend on Turner Classic Movies has presented an endless succession of seasonal classics about various religious figures running aground on the shores of the ever-strict and intolerant Roman Empire.

Despite the best efforts of Roman Soldiers in shiny armor to do them harm, the heroes of these Bible stories re-told manage to keep their togas and robes wrinkle-free and smelling, undoubtedly, like Fabreze.

One can only imagine the laundries of those far away times complete with washer-women of indeterminate race who rubbed and scrubbed and then took their flat cast-irons to the robes and pressed them out flat and shiny, starch on the collars, please.

No self-respecting Biblical character, after all, would be caught dead in dirty wrinkly clothing, especially not those of the ruling classes who needed to keep up appearances in order to oppress their victims with impunity and the proper disdain of superior beings.

Clearly, Hollywood spared no expense in researching the daily life of the poor in the Middle East. Let's ignore, for a moment, that authentic Arabic peoples tend to be short, dark-skinned and bearded: the likelihood of tall, blue-eyed exquisitely coiffed characters being marginal at best. But the short, dark-skinned acting pool in Hollywood must have been minimal, and it was, undoubtedly, easier to cast all those tall attractive people.

Then, of course, real history is always a little messy, what with the need for real people to take care of toilet matters in circumstances with little or no running water and a marked scarcity of pull-chain, flushable toilets.

But the appearance of the movie characters must match the cleanliness, grammar, and elocution of their well-constructed dialogue and those gloriously crafted speeches sound better coming from the lips of those tall, blue-eyed performers than they would from drooling mouths of scraggly runts.

There you have it then: Biblical authenticity with the cleanliness of a German HausFrau, the beauty of the best of Central Casting, and the fine, well-chosen words of the college educated. Clearly, the framers of the original Bible were just doing the best they could with limited means. We dare not blame them.

As Hollywood, MGM, Warner Brothers and all the other brothers (and possibly sisters) of the film making community now and then would like us all to know, Cleanliness IS next to Godliness. Thank you, Hollywood.

Why do MacIntosh Owners Feel Obligated to Convert You

MacIntosh Computers are just fine.

I don' t own one, but I've used them and -- except for the fact that most of them still have a one-button mouse which is kind of like riding on a unicycle instead of a two-wheeler -- they work just the way they are supposed to, and I can get stuff done.

What I want to know is why people who own them are endlessly and incessently telling everyone who doesn't own one how wonderful they are? Or posit Mac vs (whatever other kind of computer)?

It's kind of like Episcopalians telling Presbyterians what's wrong with them.  Or trying to figure out if Hulk can beat Superman (or Spiderman take Batman) (Or Wonder Woman whup Red Sonja).

Which afternoon was it that owning a particular computer became an article of faith, a mode of getting into heaven or acheiving salvation and not a tool for getting letters written or drawing pictures?

I don't get this kind of conversation about Nokia cellphones: only about Iphones.  I've had IPhone users shove them in my face and show how cool the little video games it plays are. Well, they're right: they are cool.

But.

They don't help me to make phone calls. They don't make the other person's voice clearer. They don't do the things that I expect a telephone to do. They're not cute and cuddly like puppies or kittens either.

Now kittens. They purr! Puppies chase balls and wag their tails when they see you.

I haven't seen a MacIntosh Computer do that yet.

Oh crud. Now someone will invent a purring Mac and tell me what I'm missing out on by not buying one.

It will remind me with a cute voice or a text message every five minutes: "Vibrations sent by I-Purr."

Maybe I shouldn't have written this.

Just ignore the man behind the curtain.